“Zu take the body and bury it at the spot. Mal help your brother out and then run quickly to the flag post. We need to summon the Fifs and the Lawas for a meeting. And hurry, we can’t let any of the kids see this.” He knew the children would be out any minute now playing on the sand. As Zu and Mal fetched the body out of the water he overheard them banter back and forth on how many bodies have shown up in the past month. They argued whether it was twelve or sixteen. Both didn’t know how to count properly so what amused the Chief the first time quickly became something more irritable. As they passed him down the beach and headed off to the burial site, the Chief knew that was the twenty-eighth body. More alarming to him was the fact that it was the fifteenth in two months. What started two years ago has escalated, causing fear within him. He wouldn’t be able to hide this from his people much longer.
As he turned to head back to the village he glanced to the north east and saw the blackness. Far past their eyes could see of clear blue seas and tropical skies, a continual gloom had mounted in the horizon, every month growing larger and larger. At first the villagers thought a volcano had blackened an island many ages away where they have never ventured to, but after months they knew it had to be more than that. The chief knew that was something much worse, an evil engulfing life and love and slowly creeping towards them and their neighbors.
3 comments:
my next post will be longer ... i had to do a lot of revisions ... so this weekend will be better ... Thanks
new pic
I like a lot. The first paragraph does a great job building on Part 1 and it flows very well from one thing to the next. I liked the slight humor of Zal and Mu not knowing how to count but still trying to give a number.
The second paragraph does a good job of showing impending doom and foreshadowing.
As far as structure, I'm a little conflicted whether or not the 2nd paragraph should be brought up here. I feel a little unsatisfied with not continuing the first paragraph and getting more detail about the bodies and what this means to the Chief. Is it too much mystery? I don't know.
You know what it is? I think it's too quick of a shift in major events. So you have these numerous bodies showing up and then you quickly switch to the doom and gloom over the horizon. It feels a little unsatisfying because the change in events that I have to keep track of is so abrupt. It's like the doom and gloom over the horizon part should be its own section.
There are some grammatical problems that we can go over too.
Overall you did a great job and the descriptions are excellent. I'm really looking forward to more of the story and want you to hurry up and write it so I can read it! haha.
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