“She makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
Just one touch
And I erupt like a volcano and cover her with my love
Babygirl you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)”
Lawrence, tired from his late night rendezvous, rolled out of the queen bed that occupied half of his tiny San Francisco studio apartment. Last night wasn’t a dream. His clothes were still on, the star-shaped stamp from the dance club was still on his right hand, he still needed to shower, and most importantly, he could still smell her sweet fragrance and feel her light touch.
But his 9:30 meeting wasn’t going to wait for him so he slapped the alarm off, trudged slowly across the 12’x16’ room, and flicked on the wall mounted HDTV he got as a graduation present last June. Only 9 months ago that he left Cal with an econ degree. He laughed to himself, no more getting up at 1pm, time to get ready for work.
With Stuart Scott on Sportscenter “boo-yah-ing” in the background and sunlight forcing its way through the drapes above his tiny desk, Lawrence meandered on over to his small bathroom and jumped in the shower. Once finished and toweled off, he flipped through his floor to ceiling closet and got dressed.
“Gotta look good for my meeting” he thought to himself. So he donned his finest suit, navy blue with pinstripes, silver tie, and black leather shoes.
“Ain't nobody dope as me I'm dressed so fresh so clean”
He loved that song, made him feel like a million bucks. After snatching his brown leather briefcase off the desk, slipping his iPhone into his pocket, and placing the headphones in his ears, he was ready. Not ready for work, ready for the night to come so he could see her again. Work just got in the way.
2 comments:
This is fantastic! great description and understand where the story is going. loving it. I'll post comments tonight.
Ok here are my comments ... but please let me preface that I really have NO right to give you advice ... this is great writing but creatively this is what I would have tinkered with:
1) in your second paragraph about your apartment you give dimensions to your apartment, but you've already told the reader it was in San Francisco and it's a studio. Instead of saying the actual size I would add a sentence that makes the reader relate. Something like "as he got up, his head pounded from the hangover causing him to trip over computer chair next to his bed. 'I got to get a bigger apartment' he thought ..." something to that effect. you know what i mean? Or say something like ... his one small window on the east filled the apartment like a flashlight into a tiny jar ... something. People can't relate tp measurements in my mind.
2) so your third paragraph is nice. It's basically what I recommended above, but instead of using "tiny drapes" in front of "small bathroom" maybe we can rewrite "small bathroom" to say that he had to step in sideways for the bathroom was like a prison cell... or you can give a description about Lawrence's size. Say because he was less then average size he was able to fit ... or if he's tall you can use that.
digging the story though! i like it ... just my thoughts. Let me know if they help.
Post a Comment